When My Strength Ends and Pretense Begins...

do not be deceived my friend

of the strength you say i have

I'm vulnerable too, because im only human

but i dont show it

i cry too, because i have to

but not through my eyes

but through my poetry... in my heart

i get hurt easily

but i lift my chin instead

im the touchy type

and i also want to be touched

(gently, soothingly, no groping, no forcing)

and i also want to touch

(subtly, tenderly, with meaning, full of feelings)

i dont easily show emotions

oftentimes deeply... you just dont see

it seems i know where im going

what im supposed to do

what i want

BUT ITS A PRETENSE

sometimes, im lost

i dont know what to do

or where to go

you say im strong,

i believe I AM

life has dealt me too many blows

for me to be gullible and naive

for me to be intensely emotional

ive tasted the god's idea of poision

shattered dreams, crumbled aircastles,

broken promises, fallen hopes

to survive all these

I HAD to be strong

but alas, my friend!

do not be deceived....

try to see

where my strength ends and pretense begins....

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A tribute for Kua ED

             Kua Ed is one of the few people in college that ive been very close to. One of the real friends ive ever had in college who never took advantage of anyone or anything, a loving, kind-hearted and compassionate person who always have a good word for everybody.  One of the pillars of KAKASA in PUP, a very strong leader, with a mind the likes of Miriam.  Last time I saw him was during my birthday about 9 yrs ago and that was the last time i ever saw him...  About 4 yrs ago, he kept on popping in and out of my mind and a friend of mine (irene) shared the same sentiments.  WE thought of finding him but it never become a reality... Until i heard a very shocking news from a mutual friend that Kua Ed has passed away two years ago....  Kua Ed, this is for you..

for a dear comrade

para sa iyo, kaibigan, kabalikat, kasangga, 

kasama sa pakikibaka,

isa ka sa mga taong humubog ng aking pagkatao

at nakakilala sa kin ng husto, sa potensyal na meron ako

tumulong, nagpapatatag at nagmulat ng pusot isipan ko

na meron akong responsibilidad hindi lang sa sarili, pamilya

higit lalo sa bansang sinilangan ko.

sa pagmumulat na hindi ako basta isang babae,

na hindi natatapos sa pagiging ina at pagiging asawa ang role ko sa mundo

ngunit isang tao na may halaga at may magagawa para sa kapwa

at bayan ko

i wish i was there when u needed a friend through the most painful days of ur life,

i wish i cud have hold ur hand just like before when u felt so alone and everybody is against u

i wish i didnt stop  short of thinking of finding u again and see for myself how you are

i wish... i wish...

but now u're gone,

for almost 2 yrs, and nobody from our common friends knew...

i cant help but cry coz it pains me that i wud never ever see u again

wont receive anymore letters from you

i am feeling such a  loss that comes from within...

you were one of the few real friends i've ever had in this crazy world  we live in

one of the few who saw me for the real me and loved me for who i am,

one of the few real people ive ever considered in that chaotic organization of ours,

who never took advantage of anyone, of anything.

nevertheless,

i know ur happier now with our creator,

you wud never again feel the physical pain you have bravely battled for so long,

wont be humiliated anymore by those people who makes fun of you

or those who ridiculed you for what youve become...

i will surely miss you kua ed...

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Print Your Memories

           With the title, you must be thinking, “how could someone be able to print a memory?” Lie down, hook yourself up with several cables and diodes, attached it to a computer and printing device, download from your brain, the computer program reads, interprets, records it and print it and lo and behold, a full color print of past events in your life comes out from the printer!  LOL, that’s something you might be able to watch in the late night gag shows but not in the real world.

               

            I surveyed my room and see a lot of scattered books, old shoes, boxes of old clothes, magazines here and there, looked under the bed and oh my goodness, what a pretty sight! Sneezing from the dust, I get up and decide it is definitely time to clean up.  Armed with a broom and a garbage bag, hair tied up in a bun, with Guns & Roses and Simple Mind as my company, I then started the tedious task of straightening up my room. 

            After a couple of hours, my room kinda looked like a “room” ideal for resting unlike the cave-like ambiance it had earlier.  I then get into the task of organizing the old things and boxes I have set aside in one corner for sorting as to which are to be thrown out and which are to be stored again.  To maintain the “pristine condition” of my room, I managed to file up things and set almost everything in order, garbage bag almost half full and the others are again neatly stored, properly boxed and named.  Nearing towards the end of my very tiring cleaning day, I come across an old shoe box.  From the accumulated dust, it must have been lying under my bed for ages.  I opened up the lid and surprised to find what’s inside.  Old pictures, negatives and rolls of undeveloped films!  Those were the days when memory card and digital camera haven’t existed yet.  Films were the “memory card” with only 12-36 shots per roll and the printing costs too much too! So fascinated with the old pictures I have dug up, I also went on to investigate the negatives and strain to see what events and memories it stored.  Moments were captured definitely but… sadly, it wasn’t printed then… I was so fascinated in browsing through the old pictures, I had the sudden urge to looked up to all my stored photo albums.  One photo album after another, a smile pasted on my face, I even started checking out old poem notebooks and collection of poems from the boxes and have a great trip down memory lane.  And I can’t help but think, if only I had printed those rolls of films, there should have been more moments/trips/parties that could be on a photo album worthy looking at. 

            Not wanting to commit the same mistake again, I get my laptop, inserted my memory card and started copying all pictures that I wanted to be printed (DROIDS-HARLEM get togethers, Sunday family lunches, Isabela trip, my days or should I say nights in WNS, and oh cutie cutie shots of Irvin and Myj!  I even browsed my cellphone for any picture worth printing.  Happy with my accomplishment, I took a shower, and decide to go to my favorite one-stop printing shop, DEPS Picture Maker in Shopwise Antipolo, and have these pictures printed ASAP.  I prefer DEPS and strongly recommend their service.  They have friendly staffs, very good print out quality and the best part is I can wait while my pictures are printed (their print-while-you-wait policy).   Their cost is also “swak to my budget”, with a wallet size picture, I could have 4 pictures printed for only php10.00! I simply must print all of those captured moments!

             

             Excited with my new goal, I started to look for my brush, my lipstick (I must have carelessly thrown it in one of those damn boxes), and where did I put my wallet? Hmmm… looking everywhere, I finally located everything I need after searching through the things I have stored.   I grabbed my purse and before I went out, I have surveyed my room again, photo albums and pictures on the floor, my dusty shirt, poem collections and old poem notebook on the bed, my room is a mess again!  Darn… I should have at least taken a picture of my room earlier while it was a little bit in order.   Oh well, I’ll just have to clean it (again) later.  Printing MY moments and memories is more important now J

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Topsy Turvy

Have you ever had that kind of wanting, longing and yet conflicting feelings?  About two years ago, i have this kind of feeling so intense and so torn between getting back together or just leave it as it was.  Should I welcome you back? Or should I just turn my back?

In this obscure world of ours

I wallowed on my solitude

Living like an empty shell

gradually disappearing...

Slowly dying....

No room for bliss, for laughter

Has it been so long since i felt

Shouting for joy?

Then you came into my life... again..

Once again, you've penetrated my ever lonely world

Was it only yesterday

That we have parted ways?

And now you're back, professing your love

your devotion..

In you, I have found my zest for living

Such happiness that brought tears to my eyes

A feeling I never thought i am capable of

Overwhelming love, even I couldnt understand...

Shall I take you again into my life?

Will I still let myself be fooled of your love?

Have I not learned?

Nothing has changed...

It would still come to an end..

Strike me with lightning!

Dont ever let me live!

For what is the sense of my being?

Of my existence?

Without you in my arms??

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Glimpse

I was in Makati City one busy afternoon.  I had 3 meetings scheduled from 1 pm up to 9 in the evening.  To take a breather, I decided to have a cup of coffee in Starbucks with an "old friend" of mine.  That was the first time i saw him after more than 15 years and it really is a very exhilarating, refreshing and yet a saddening feeling.  I cant help but reminisce the old times which led me to this...

bigla bigla kang naisip at biglang naalala

pinagsamahan sa nakaraan biglang sumagi sa isipan

laking gulat sa iyong ipinagbago

mula noong panahon pa na naging tayo

minsan masarap na lang balikan 

ang saya ng nakaraan

ang mga kulitan at mga tampuhan

simpleng buhay at ang mga nagdaan

simpleng card, simpleng memento

nagbibigay ngiti at nagpapataba ng puso

nakatago pa ang mga ito, nawala man ang ilan

hindi ito nawaglit at laging my space sa aking puso kahit kailan....

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My Dear Friends

real friends stick with you, no matter who and what u are, 

what u've been or what u will be, 

they are with you not at just happy times

but specially at your lowest moment/point in ur life

they see the best and the worst in you

but still not too quick to judge you,

even if you fall so many times,

they are always there not to laugh at you 

but to catch you and help you up 

you laugh, cry and bitch with me

we fought but never carry a chip on our shoulders

thank you for being there for me

even if i may not always be..

i will never forget nor leave you, thats so hard to do

uve been a part of my life and u will always be

i cant imagine life without you by my side

you're more than a friend to me, an extension of my family

and that's forever who you will be...

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